I am, Elissa Cousland
by I Can Never Decide Who or What
Summary: A Collection of Oneshots about Elissa Cousland and how she delt with her world being spun upside down and how she delt with all the losses of her loved ones. CouslandXAlistair
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**

**Hey, **

**this is a short collection of one shots, following Elissa Cousland after Ostagar. I've recently finished playing as this character, so it'll be like my play through, with Extras. Hope you enjoy.**

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_**I am, Elissa Cousland**_

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_**First night at Camp.**_

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Standing far away from her two companions and her dog, was a new Gray Warden. The past few weeks had been cruel to her, everyone she knew had been slaughtered by Arl Rendon Howe, a family friend and now the man who had saved her life was dead. Now, she was an outlaw, blamed for the kings death and stuck with a witch called Morrigan, Alistair also a Grey Warden as well as a Templar.

This was young Cousland's first night camping as an outlaw and she wasn't liking it very much. The only thing that was floating around in her head was Fergus and where he might be. Dead in a ditch perhaps or maybe fleeing from the wilds? Maybe he's already on his way to Highever where he'll find out that Howe has murdered his family? These possibilities were all flying around in her head.

She looked up at the sky remembering when she had been very young. Fergus would hold her hand and squeeze it tight reassuringly and walk her to the kitchen so they could see Nan. He would talk the whole way there, his shaggy brown hair swaying as the wind swirled around them and she would just nod her head and make sure her dress didn't pick up dirt as they walked. Fergus was her older brother and there was an incredibly high chance she may never see him again and that thought hurt her, wounded her, haunted her. But, she refused to think of that death was his only option. Fergus was strong, strong enough to escape and live.

Standing alone with her thoughts she hadn't noticed the blond haired man walk up behind her or the witch glancing at her more than a few times, double checking she was alright, She hadn't heard the whimpers coming from her War Hound as he noticed her obvious discomfort. Alistair, her blond haired and cheeky faced companion had been standing watching her for some time now. It was up to the two of them now to save Ferelden and they both knew that if they didn't stop the blight here it would spread to the whole of Thedas.

Alistair couldn't help but stare, he had been surrounded by Warden's and his brothers in arms for many months now yet here he was with a new Warden who seemed to still be trying to see the bright side of their situation. He knew she was failing because there wasn't anything positive about the situation they were in.

As a rogue she should have sensed Alistair sooner but she didn't. If anything was going to be her downfall it was going to be her ability to go so deep into thought that people like Alistair, where actually able to sneak up behind her. "How long have you been here?" she asked in a whisper, willing herself to turned around. She felt tears on her face that she hadn't remembered falling yet, here they where running down her cheeks.

Instinctively wiping her face in a hurry she looked into his worried amber eyes "Not long" he replied with a small smile. Alistair walked a little towards her, making sure he didn't come uncomfortably close. "You look like you need to sleep" He looked her up and down, her body was tired and so was her mind, she was slumped and her eyes were drooping, her hair was falling out of its ponytail and she was as pale a sheet. But he knew that even though she was physically and mentally exhausted she might not sleep. Maybe she would be plagued with dreams of the Archdemon or maybe she would be lucky and have a nightmare of Sir Roland Gilmore being slaughtered, maybe she would dream of the possible scenarios of how her Mother and Father died. There was a chance she might not sleep tonight, or for the rest of the week.

"I suppose" she replied yawning, "I haven't slept since we were at Flemeth's hut and even then I was unconscious because of the wounds I had received." She gave a small, weak smile and walked past him.

Half way back towards the tents she turned back to face him, he raised an eyebrow in question as she stared directly at him, he gave her a smile and she returned it shaking her head. She barely knew a thing about him yet she had to trust him with her life yet, all he knew about her was that she was a Cousland and he trusted her with his.

She opened her mouth "Does it get easier?" she breathed out, not fully knowing what she meant by the question. Did she mean fighting the Darkspawn, the Politics, the nightmares, the travelling?

It seemed however that Alistair understood "I don't know, we can only hope for the best" he smiled reassuringly at her and winked. It made her laugh that he was able to smile at a time like this and it gave her hope. "Night" he replied as he moved toward the dimming fire to sit and watch it flicker away into nothing but ash.

"Good Night" She replied running her hand to the bobble in her hair and pulling it out letting her brown fair fall around her face, she waved over to Morrigan and called her hound to her side and went to her tent to see if rest was even possible. Maybe she'd wake up and realise she's been trapped in a horrible nightmare and that all this death and pain never happened, but she doubted that possibility.

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Elissa Cousland woke from her slumber and looked out from her tent, Alistair and Morrigan where already at each others throats. 'Fantastic' She thought to herself and forced herself out of the tent, only after tying back her hair and putting on her armour again, she stalled as long as she could about ten minutes and yet, Morrigan was still trying to convince Alistair that he was an idiot. "Good Morning" She spoke loudly to shut up the other two. She wanted breakfast in peace, if this was the only time today she could have peace she was making sure she got peace. Sabre, who was still peacefully asleep beside her tent didn't make a sound, he didn't even stir, like always he was refusing to acknowledge the presence off the morning.

"Good Morning to you to!" Alistair smiled moving quickly away from Morrigan and closer to Elissa. "You look better" Alistair smiled brightly, he had obviously been hoping that the argument would end without him looking like a fool.

"I feel better" She added quietly tapping Alistair's shoulder smiling at him. She then looked over to the black haired, glowering witch who had that 'don't get to close' feeling radiating off her. "How long till we reach Lothering?" She asked in a serious tone ready to plan for the day. Morrigan, the witch, the Mage, the apostate, turned her head and rolled her eye's as if to say, I'm following you aren't I? Elissa gave her a slight smile and a nod of her head hoping to encourage Morrigan to be more... Friendly... with her, she didn't expect Morrigan to be kind to Alistair.

"Not long, although we should hurry if we don't want little Alistair here to start worrying about people swooping in" she sighed and laughed at the same time as she started walking away over to her separate part of the forest opening where she had set up to make herself as comfortable as possible.

"Swooping is Bad!" Alistair shouted back absolutely positive that his argument was a true statement, allowing Morrigan to laugh to herself a little more without Alistair or Elissa overhearing. "I hate her..." Alistair pouted and moved around to the ashes of the fire that had burned high the previous evening.

Elissa looked around, how had she gotten into this situation. Why was she in this situation. She was an Archer, a skilled one yes, but that was it. She was a lady, a Cousland, she was to be married to another noble man and raise her children to be an Arl or a Teyrn. She had been learning Archery from her mother as her way of self defence, and developed the love of picking locks all by her self by trying to sneak into Fergus' room to look for anything interesting, but she was just the remaining Cousland wasn't she. Not some women destined to save Ferelden or die trying, to live a loveless life, to be used as a tool to fight some horrible creatures so others didn't have to. She didn't ask for any of this.

"Are you hungry? There's some food left over." Alistair said coming over giving her a slight fright and pulling her from her questioning thoughts. She turned to face him and looked at his cheerful face, his always cheerful face, it seemed he didn't have it in him to sulk like Elissa and Morrigan. He was always covering up what he really felt though, Elissa was sure he wanted to scream or break something but he kept a clear head. It was clear to her that the death of his brothers in arms hurt him more than he would let on, and Duncan's death must have been ripping him up from the inside. She had never been a people person, her family loved her and her only true friend who was Ser Gilmore knew her best, and now they're dead and nobody knew _her_ any more. So she didn't feel it was her place to ask him how he was feeling, she didn't want to make it worse on him.

"Eh yes thank you." She smiled and accepted the cracked bowl he was handing her, the bowl was filled with a goop of some kind, she took a sniff of it and gagged a little, what was in this? Rat poison?

"Don't ask what it is, Morrigan cooked it" He quickly added after she had placed a spoonful in her mouth, she regretted it instantly and looked to Alistair eye's wider than they should have been.

She quickly swallowed the revolting goop in her mouth, then gagged a little and welcomed the fresh air. "That's..." she shook her head and stuck her tongue out of her mouth not daring to put it back in.

"Disgusting, I know. After the fourth spoonful, the sickness starts to fade and your almost immune to the taste." he informed her and started picking things up from around his tent "Almost" He added again as she dared another mouthful. This time she held her breath and closed her eyes and imagined she was eating Nan's stew.

Once she swallowed the fantasy faded.

Elissa watched him, he could be a good friend to her. He was already someone worth trusting. Someone worth protecting. Someone worth getting to know. They where in this together now, why should they feel alone when their in the exact same situation.

"Alistair?" She got his attention and he raised his head to her laughing at the face she was pulling trying to hide her disgust of Morrigan's cooking. "Do we have anything _e__lse_ to eat?" she almost begged and prayed to the Maker he said they did have something else. He chuckled and shook his head, she dropped her head and sighed "Darn" She added and put the bowl down. "Hopefully I'll survive on three spoonfuls of this stuff"

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**A/N **

**So there's first one. Did you enjoy it? Some will be longer, some may be shorter. It really depends on the situation. I think the majority of them will be at camp or in Denerim. **

**Until next time. **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N **

**I know Ser Gilmore's a mod in the game but I really wanted to have him in this FF.**

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_**I Am, Elissa Cousland**_

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_A Surprise in the Maker's game_

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Arriving in Lothering was different from what Elissa had been expecting to find. She didn't realise how much Ostagar had effected. Lothering was described to be 'As Pretty as a Picture' but she couldn't disagree more, Lothering was falling apart, tents where put up and bandits where praying on the weak and poor. The only reassurance Elissa found in this place was that she could see a Chantry. A place where she could finally pray for her family and for those she knew and cared for. They walked past the farmers and towards the Templar standing at the gate, Alistair had noted earlier that day not to make themselves to noticeable just gather supplies then slip out unnoticed.

Alistair was listening to Morrigan call him an idiot and so Elissa sped up trying to sneak away before they could involve her in their bickering. She saw a family of elves; she gave them a soft smile but moved swiftly away before a conversation could start. She sighed and placed her hands on her head she needed to stay calm take a deep breath and get through another day.

She breathed out harshly and raised her head in the direction of the Chantry, the large stone building had the Chanter out beside a young boy, but it wasn't them who drew her attention, it was a familiar face, one with a questioning look just like hers. "Ser Gilmore...?" She whispered to herself and walked quickly over to him smiling as she realised it was him, that he was in fact alive and breathing and smiling... She couldn't get over the happiness that overwhelmed her.

"My lady," He smiled as she stopped in front of him, his reddish hair still perfectly neat for a soldier, eyes smiling as always and mouth curved upwards. "I never thought I would see you again!"

There was a pause as Elissa took in all that Ser Gilmore was to her. He looked a little more serious than before but Elissa didn't pick up on it. "Ser Gilmore? Is that you..?" She had to ask, she felt like she was in a dream, nothing this good could happen to her it wasn't allowed in this sick game that the Maker was playing with her.

"Why, yes! When I realised there was no way to save the castle I checked everywhere to see if you and your family where able to escape." He replied and Elissa smiled it was nice knowing that he had been searching for them; it was nice to know that she hadn't been left by her past completely. Ser Gilmore's face dropped and Elissa knew her streak of happiness was about to come to an end. "The Lord and Lady were slain..." Elissa closed her eye's seeing Ser Gilmore had sparked hope that her mother and father had survived but it was too much to wish for. "I thought they had killed you too, I searched for you..." She tried to smile at him but she couldn't, she didn't know what she felt, she had come to terms with their death on the trip to Ostagar but to regain hope and have it ripped from her again, she wasn't sure if she wanted to hear much more. "And never found you" she nodded her head and looked at Ser Gilmore's sad face she leaned forward and nodded her head understanding.

"I'm glad to see you! I thought you were dead!" Elissa whispered finally able to smile a full smile at Ser Gilmore who she had been hoping would find his way to her again.

"And I am very glad to see you too!" He smiled back and breathed in, "When the castle fell I was captured by Howe's men and held until I was able to escape." Multiple scenario's ran through Elissa's mind, what if Ser Gilmore hadn't escape would he be dead right now, wishing he was dead... she didn't want to know. "I went to Ostagar, where I knew Duncan would be headed, but when I arrived there, everything was in ruins" He sighed she had been through a lot but so had Ser Gilmore, losing the people he had lived with for years, only to escape to find his hope in ruins. "I heard the rumours; I know King Cailian fell in battle, as did Duncan." Elissa's mind flashed back to the beacon as she lit it, that was supposed to save them, end the blight, but it never did. "My hopes of becoming a Warden are finished, but not my desire to help in this war." Ser Gilmore said proudly he already had a plan of attack planned out in his head.

She paused she wasn't sure how to tell her best friend she had become a Warden, best to just spit it out, Alistair would back her of course. "Well I did become a Warden..." Elissa whispered not able to make eye contact with him.

"You? How?..." He seemed shocked but brushed it off quickly, "It does not matter" He quickly put in and started speaking what he was thinking "I suspected Duncan was not only interested in me...In any case you are in danger now." Elissa nodded her head in agreement and noticed that Alistair, Morrigan and Sabre had joined her and Ser Gilmore.

Ser Gilmore was very well informed he must have spent some time in Lothering learning what had happened at Ostagar. "The Grey Wardens were blamed for what happened at Ostagar, I did not know what to believe myself, but seeing you are one of them, I know it is a lie" Becoming a Warden had not presented itself with many upsides, but Ser Gilmore just had to see her to believe, maybe she could use some of her families friends to gain support, prove her and Alistair's innocent.

"I'm still bound by the oath I made to your father, I have nowhere else to go. Could you accept me as your companion?" Elissa smiled, this wasn't a dream, in the Maker's game he had given her something to make the days easier.

"Yes!" Elissa said overeagerly but saved herself by adding "Please join me" politely afterword's.

"I am glad to be by your side again." They both smiled and Elissa didn't want to see the look on Morrigan's face or hear what Alistair had to say about this, she just wanted Ser Gilmore along. "By the way, please call me Roland, if you will" he smiled encouragingly.

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**A/N**

**I know its been so long since I updated, Sorry I hadn't realised, I'm going to try and update more freaquently now though, Please review so i know what you think! Thanks for reading! **


	3. Chapter 3

_I am Elissa Cousland._

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_Just sittin' around._

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Things had been getting slightly easier for Elissa, she was surrounded by good people now and felt safer when she was asleep she knew that they were there for her she finally slept easy, home was where these people were. Leliana was a much better cook the Morrigan and Alistair, Ser Gilmore, Leliana and Elissa sat around the fire chatting happily most evenings. They had just left the Dalish elves who were a lot nicer than they were made out to be in the tales told by old fish wives. Since leaving the Dalish they had travelled to the outskirts of Redcliff and should be seeing Arl Eamon the next day. They were having some stew that Leliana had claimed was a delicacy in Orlais, but from the looks of the food that was in front of them they assumed Leliana was exaggerating more than just a little.

"So if I remember correctly, my lady was trying to 'rebel' and climbed out of the window in her room, she fell though and broke her leg!" Ser Gilmore laughed happily as he brought another spoonful to his mouth and turned to look at Elissa who was red in the face with embarrassment.

"Roland please stop!" Elissa laughed and put her empty bowl down on the ground. She shoved his shoulder harshly and he just started laughing and carried on talking to Leliana and Alistair who were listening intently, Roland had told stories of his Elissa's antics.

"So she was yelling for help and luckily for her I came across her - I was leaving the kitchen after stealing a midnight snack - She told me to take her back to her room and I was strictly going 'but you need to see the nurse? Your legs swollen'" He laughed and Alistair smirked trying not to spit out his food, it was not so much the story but Elissa's face.

"It seems like our dear warden has some stories to tell!" Leliana also laughed and put another spoonful of stew into her bowl. For being the smallest one here she ate the most, maybe it was because everything they ate was what she cooked.

"I will not be sharing any of these!" Elissa shouted and rested her head in her hands. Ser Gilmore was always the best at embarrassing her no matter what age they were at.

"You might not but I will!" Ser Gilmore laughed and carried on talking as he gently shoved Elissa's shoulder. "So I carried her back to her room at her request and placed her down in her bed and was about to leave when her Lady Cousland barged in wonder what all the noise was. She instantly got the wrong idea; it was understandable I mean I was leaning over My Lady and her arms where around my neck." Ser Gilmore laughed loudly and put her down his bowl and nodded in thanks to Leliana.

Elissa leaned to hit him again but Alistair wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. "I think that's enough of you stacking him for one evening!" Alistair laughed Elissa sat herself on Alistair's lap where he was keeping her away from Ser Gilmore who she was willing to knock unconscious to keep him mouth shut.

"I was sent to the kitchen where Nan would have some chores for me, even though it was the middle of the night!" Ser Gilmore smiled and shook his head casually and then looked at the group around him. "My lady knew how to strap up her leg and so for a few days she just put her limp down to cramp from sleeping in an awkward position. It was only when her older brother started toy fighting with her that she fell over and once again shouted out in pain. It was suddenly revealed her leg was broken and Fergus was banished to the kitchen to be punished alongside me and my lady never got suspected once!" Ser Gilmore laughed.

"Just goes to show that I'm smarter than you!" Elissa retorted quickly and reached out to hit him only to be forced back by Alistair who reminded her swiftly that he was restraining her.

"No it just shows that you're more mischievous than the rest of us!" Leliana laughed in her sweet shy voice.

"Humph." Elissa snorted and crossed her arms trying to keep a straight face but finding it difficult knowing that Alistair was making stupid faces behind her.

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**A/N Hey! Sorry its taken me so long to update and that this is really short (and probably pretty rubbish) I will do better next time I just wanted to quickly update for you! I've been working more on TamlenXF!Mahariel fanfiction and My laptop stopped working for weeks so there is all my lame excuses and I hope you stick around and maybe even check out my the TamlenXF!Mahariel! **

**By for now!**


	4. Chapter 4

_I am Elissa Cousland._

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_Taking a break._

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"Well that was annoying." Elissa muttered to Alistair as she sat down on the steps outside the Chantry, after protecting the village from the corpses Elissa had decided that nothing was going to remotely easily anymore. The task ahead was supposed to be simple, in basics it was to go to Arl Eamon and ask for help. In long term they had to defend the village, save everyone in the castle, and if, IF, the Arl was alive they had to go and find Andraste's ashes.

"But doesn't it feel good to bash some heads." Alistair joked as he sat down beside her and they looked out ahead. Ser Gilmore had decided to fall asleep against a few barrels and Morrigan could be seen sitting on a wall casting minor spells trying to amuse herself.

"We didn't "bash some heads" we fought off a small army of walking corpses!" She sighed smiling slightly at Alistair's attempt to cheer her up. She didn't know how but he always ended up making her smile. If he smiled she smiled to, when he worried she worried. Maybe it was a grey warden thing but she had never felt closer to another person. Ser Gilmore was her best friend without a doubt in her mind and there was her brother, we'll he was her brother who loved and protected her from the second she was born to the second he had…. Well she didn't want to think about what had happened to her brother when he had left for Ostagar.

"Small is the key word there; and so far only two people have passed this evening. So it's a job well done!" Alistair's head was hung low; she wasn't sure if it was out of tiredness or if it was worry. Ever since he had told her he was a bastard prince he hadn't made direct eye contact with her. She almost longed to see his amber eyes full of warmth.

She sighed deeply and turned her head away. "Alistair…." She spoke up her voice slightly teasing and he turned his head towards her to acknowledge her. He didn't properly look at her but she knew he was listening. He had always managed to make her smile; it was her turn to make him smile. "What's wrong?" She said it in childish voice and bumped shoulders with him.

He released a small laugh and raised his head, he still didn't look her in the eye but he was looking at her face now which made her happy as it meant that he was willing to talk to her and trust her. "I'm okay, honestly." He smiled at her trying to stop her worrying and then extended his arms in a stretch. "Just tired." He leaned back on the steps and looked up at the night sky where the moon was shining down on them, just like it always had.

"Liar." She stated bluntly and nudged him again. He turned his gaze from the moon to her and raised his eyebrow. "You and I both know you haven't looked me in the eye all day."

"Not true I distinctly remember looking into your eyes this morning when I was handing you the bread!" he laughed trying to put of Elissa but she was having none of it.

"Doesn't count that was before you told me who your father was." She said it bluntly and he looked back at her in a little bit of shock. Elissa was not the type to just spit it out or to be so blunt. She had caught Alistair off guard but once he got over the accusation he sighed and looked at her properly, in the eyes and she smiled brightly at him.

"I just figured you'd be angry." He stated and she shook her head and sighed.

"Alistair if I was angry with you, you would have an arrow in your back and would be bleeding out." She said this while smiling and Alistair looked at her worriedly.

"Remind me not to get on your bad side." He laughed happily and she rested her head on his shoulder. They both looked up at the sky and the stars twinkled above them. It was nice being able to see the stars, quietly and peacefully. At camp they rested and then started heading on their way again, there was barely enough time to enjoy the area around you, let alone the sky above you.

"I'll be right there my lady…."

They turned their gaze to Ser Gilmore who was now lying on his side still asleep but mumbling quite loudly. They listened carefully and even Morrigan had stopped to listen to him. Elissa and Morrigan looked at each other and both released quiet laughs as Ser Gilmore carried on speaking.

"That's not wise my lady…. You'll break something please stop running." Elissa was trying to hold back the laughter as she knew Ser Gilmore was dreaming about their time in Highever.

"Shall I eh… wake him up?" Morrigan asked from the wall where she was perched and she smiled evilly and magic sparked at her fingertips.

"Knowing you, you'll turn him into a frog." Alistair muttered from his spot beside Elissa who was laughing and nodding her head.

"He deserves it! Nothing too hard or life threatening though!" She smiled and tried to hold back the laughter, she used to play pranks on Ser Gilmore when he was asleep but she had never done anything with magic and she knew Morrigan would have something funny up her sleeve.

It was a little spark of lightning that fired from Morrigan's fingertips to Ser Gilmore who jumped about five feet in the air. "Maker! What was that!?" He shouted and Elissa burst out laughing, even Alistair was sniggering and he covered his face with his hand trying not to be noticed. Morrigan truly looked like a witch as she cackled at her spot on the wall and Ser Gilmore looked at them annoyed but smiling slightly. "I can't go to sleep safely can I?" he smiled and sat on the barrels that he had been leaning on.

"Not when you're speaking in your sleep, the girls will attack you." Alistair said to him and nodded his head apologetically towards Ser Gilmore.

"Watch out Alistair, we might get you next." Elissa teased and poked his cheeks. "When you least expect it me and Morrigan will come up behind you and…" Elissa trailed off and Morrigan smirked.

"Bam…. You're a frog." Morrigan laughed widely and Alistair shook looking at the two girls who were laughing secretly plotting on what to next to scare them. The downtime was easy now, sometimes grief wracked at her, but it did for all of them and it was easy to make a joke, it was easy to talk, to listen. Downtime was easy and fighting was a distraction. She could make it. She was sure.

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**A/N**

**Hey Guys! Sorry it took me so long to update I'm not sure if I mentioned it but I had exams and started my senior year so I had to take some time off, here we go though! Any suggestions for the next chapter? Thanks for the support! **


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